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The 12 Gifts of Christmas, Ranked

Not to sound ungrateful or anything, but some gifts are just WAY better than others.

Sarah Burns · 29 days ago

Insta 12days storeis00THuMB (1)

Heeral Chhibber

My “true love”  – now my ex – went completely overboard this holiday season, and it led to property damage, heartache, and a hefty fine from the Animal Control Agency. Learn from my mistakes: if you’re planning a gift exchange, make it fun and easy for everyone, and try CAMP’s Gift Game! It’s filled with fun toys for kids of all ages, cool, unique stuff for grown ups – and absolutely NO live poultry. 

Here’s a definitive ranking of all twelve gifts from my “true love:”

1: Five Golden Rings!

  • Pros:

  • Pretty, practical, timeless, and goes with everything.

  • Can wear them all on one hand.

  • Not a bird or a person.

  • Cons:

  • My “true love” didn’t remember that I prefer silver.

partridge and turtledoves

Heeral Chhibber

2: A Partridge in a Pear Tree.

  • Pros:

  • Pears are tasty.

  • Trees are nice.

  • Seems pretty low maintenance.

  • Cons:

  • Have to ask my landlord if I can have pets.

  • What do partridges eat? Is it pears? I hope it’s pears.

french hens

3: Three French Hens

  • Pros:

  • Free-range eggs!

  • At least that’s sorta useful?

  • They walk like tiny T-rexes.

  • Cons:

  • I don’t...really love eggs. Whether laid by regular hens, or French ones.

  • The other birds are starting to become territorial.

4: Two Turtle Doves

  • Pros:

  • They can keep the partridge company.

  • Seriously considering opening an aviary. 

  • Cons:

  • I’m absolutely certain my lease doesn’t allow having this many animals.

5: Six Geese A-Laying

  • Pros:

  • Free-range goose eggs!

  • Cons:

  • Geese become very aggressive if you approach their nests.

  • There are goose nests everywhere.


6: Eight Maids A-Milking

  • Pros:

  • Fresh milk!

  • Cons:

  • Are they all living here now? I’m pretty sure we’re way past the legal occupancy, and my bathroom has been taken over by birds.

  • I have a-lactose intolerance.

7: Four colly/calling birds:

  • Pros:

  • I’ve learned “colly bird” is an old-timey way of referring to any bird that’s black, and it’s always nice to learn something new.

  • Cons:

  • No matter what words you use, there will always be someone there to tell you you’re wrong.

  • My “true love” seems to think my only interest is birds.

  • They’re horribly shrill.

  • I don’t even really like birds, tbh.

rings and colly birds

8: Nine ladies dancing

  • Pros:

  • I think I can talk them into taking some eggs and milk before it all starts going bad.

  • They’re teaching me some new moves.

  •  Cons:

  • Their dancing frightens the maids’ cows, and riles up the birds.

  • My feet keep getting stepped on.

  • I don’t think my “true love” really loves me anymore. 


9: Eleven pipers piping

  • Pros:

  • They’ve frightened away the waterfowl.

  • There’s music for the dancers now.

  • Cons:

  • It’s so very loud here.

  • I’m getting constant noise complaints.

  • Pretty sure my lease won’t be renewed.

  • True love is now my sworn enemy.

10: Seven swans a-swimming

  • Pros:

  • They’re graceful, beautiful birds.

  • Cons:

  • They’re enormous, terrifying birds.

  • There’s an avian turf war happening in my bathroom.

  • I’m never getting my deposit back.

  • The post office refuses to make any more deliveries to my address.


11: Ten lords a-leaping

  • Pros:

  • Maybe one of them can reach that really high light in the hallway that’s been out for most of the year.

  • Cons:

  • Daily dance-battle confrontations with the nine ladies.

  • All of my furniture is broken.

  • My lawn is completely destroyed.

  • Haven’t gotten a decent night’s sleep in over a week.

12: Twelve drummers drumming

  • Pros:

  • ????

  • Cons:

  • WHAT?

  • I’M SORRY?