The 15 Worst Things to Get in Your Trick or Treat Bag
These are truly the scariest things that can happen on Halloween.
Jack Shepherd · 3 months ago
On Halloween, the spirits rise and walk the streets. Ghosts lurk in every shadow. Vampires and werewolves set aside their longstanding dislike of one another and stalk our towns, arm-in-arm, looking for people to bite. Ghouls do whatever it is that ghouls do (howling ethereally, mostly). Witches — who are honestly pretty active throughout the rest of the year — really let their hair down on Halloween. And the quantity of wraiths per capita on a given street almost doubles!
But none of those things are as horrifying as the spine-chilling terror you feel when you reach into your trick-or-treat bag at the end of the night and realize that it’s full of Candy Corn and Mary Janes. 👻 😱 👹
So in the spirit of the season, let’s get spooky and talk about the absolute worst things you can find in your trick or treat bag.
Unless you dressed up as an extremely convincing horse for Halloween, absolutely no one has any right to be giving you an apple. An apple is a trick, not a treat.
Likely given to you by: An actual witch.
Raisins are what happen when grapes fall asleep on the beach. They should never be happening in a candy context.
Likely given to you by: A visiting space alien who doesn’t understand the Earth concept of “candy.”
Licorice is technically a candy, but it is an evil candy that was popular in, like, the 17th century, before people had taste buds.
Likely given to you by: A time traveler.
4. Mary Janes
According to Wikipedia, a Mary Jane is “an old-fashioned peanut butter- and molasses-flavored taffy-type candy.” Does that sound nice? No it doesn’t. Please send someone to remove it from my trick-or-treat bag right away.
Likely given to you by: Bloody Mary.
5. Candy Corn
Candy Corn is extremely controversial because a small portion of the population really likes the stuff. Unfortunately, they keep giving it to the rest of us on Halloween.
Likely given to you by: An evil clown.
6. Candy Pumpkins
Candy Pumpkins are certainly more appropriate for the holiday than Candy Corn! But they’re still literally made out of wax.
Likely given to you by: Jack Skellington.
7. Hot Tamales
Cinnamon is not a candy flavor.
Likely given to you by: A malevolent warlock.
A list of small improvements needed to make Bit-O-Honey Halloween-viable. 1. Instead of “a bit of honey,” this bar should have “a lot of nougat.” 2. And some peanuts. 3. What I’m saying is that I’d like a Snickers instead of this.
Likely given to you by: Some kind of a bear.
9. Good and Plenty
In their favor, these candies are not cinnamon-flavored.
Likely given to you by: An indifferent warlock.
10. Gummy Teeth
It is unclear how this candy concept made it past the pitch meeting, let alone into a trick-or-treat bag alongside literal Halloween superstars like Three Musketeers and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
Likely given to you by: Dracula’s assistant.
11. Candy Necklace
This is candy for people who feel like jewelry is for eating instead of wearing, which is nobody! Nobody thinks that!
Likely given to you by: The Headless Horseman.
12. Hershey’s Miniatures
Hershey’s Miniatures are perfectly nice, but they’re a constant reminder that you could be eating a normal-sized candy bar.
Likely given to you by: An imp of some kind.
13. Tootsie Fruit Rolls
Tootsie Rolls should be Tootsie-Roll-flavored. Anything else is just rude.
Likely given to you by: Someone who went to the candy store after they ran out of literally everything else.
14. Necco Wafers
Necco Wafers are the ultimate bad candy. They’ve been bad since the very beginning. No one has ever enjoyed a Necco Wafer. They’re literally there to make the other candy look good. It’s kind of noble, when you think about it.
Likely given to you by: A necromancer?
15. A Single, Individually-Wrapped Prune
Prune, Exhibit A
Sadly, this is not a joke. There are people out there — if you can call them people — who are putting individually wrapped prunes into children's trick-or-treat bags, and we have the proof. See Exhibit A.
Likely given to you by: It's hard to say who could be this devoid of seasonal joy. A sentient paperclip, probably.