The Zodiac Signs as School Lunches
A cafeteria meal written in the stars!
Sarah Burns · 19 days ago
We’re not here to guess what school lunch was your favorite based on your zodiac sign — that would be ridiculous! No, the purpose of this scientifically researched, mathematically calibrated list is to reinterpret the zodiac signs as classic school lunches. So grab a tray, and I’ll save you a seat at the cool kids’ table!
J/k, I’ll be in the back with the rest of the nerds.
Square pizza with a salad in a cup
Popular, full of zest, and a natural born leader, few school lunches are as aggressively iconic as the rectangular slice of pizza, widely upheld as the best option you’re likely to get when you’re talking meals-served-on-trays. And let’s not forget about the classic accompaniment, cafeteria cup salad: three sad, wilted leaves and a few shreds of carrot, drowning in oil and vinegar. Sad-soggy-salad in a paper cup, you might hold the only real nutritional value here, but you’ll inevitably be tossed away: Independent Aries pizza is the star of this show.
Hamburger in a foil wrapper with crinkle cut fries
It’s hard to beat a good burger, and the school cafeteria burger with its crinkling, silver wrapper is an unforgettable sensory experience, as well as being among the okayest burgers a kid can get their greasy hands on. Aside from both being bovine, a burger is the ideal Taurus meal because it’s chill, and you know exactly what you’re getting. It’s a reliable comfort food you can count on. But be warned: do not touch their fries, or you will get the horns.
Tacos and chocolate milk
These two items with widely different flavor profiles are perfect for a Gemini lunch tray. Who doesn’t love Taco Tuesday? Especially when the tacos come loaded with as many toppings as can be found in a lunchroom, because it’s impossible to pick just a few. But Gemini are ready to turn off their (considerable) charm just as fast as sprinkled cheese falls out of a taco shell: Once the tacos are gone, social time is over. Time to sip chocky milk in thoughtful repose, and stare at the clock hoping no one comes over to socialize. Is lunch period always this long?
A tray of tots and nuggs
Crispy on the outside, but soft on the inside, tots’n’nuggs in a big beige pile is a seriously underrated lunchroom comfort food combo. Cancer will be protective of this monochromatic meal, and if you complain that there’s no nuggets left in the whole cafeteria, they will eat passive-aggressively near you. The good news is, Cancers are also loyal and generous, so befriend one, and they’ll share the haul.
Hot dogs and smiley fries
A pile of good natured smiley fries paired perfectly with a grilled favorite that reminds Leos of their favorite summer pastime – being on vacation. These dogs have never touched a grill, but what this lighthearted Leo meal lacks in substance, it makes up for in creativity. A splash of red ketchup, a drizzle of yellow mustard, and if you’re feeling daring (and you always are), top it off with some coleslaw. Now that is gourmet! If this Leo lunch is a little much for you, that’s okay; there’s plenty of lesser lunches around, and they wish you nothing but the best.
Fish fillet with American cheese and a side of unidentified sliced fruit
The sketchy school fish certainly isn’t everyone’s first choice, but Virgos know how to find the best in everything. As far as school lunches go, this is a practical Virgo meal that has all food groups represented. It’s not exactly healthy, but it feels healthier than many of the other options — not that this Virgo lunch would ever judge or criticize other, less nutritional lunches. Not out loud, anyway.
Candy bars, chips, soda, and all the best snacks hey could mooch or trade for from other lunches
Behold the Libra as lunch: Less of a real meal, and more of a mish-mash of cravings, none of which seem to really go together, or have any real substance. Chances are pretty high that this Libra lunch started the day as a perfectly serviceable meal, but lunchtime is an opportunity to trade, negotiate, and sweet-talk your way into getting the best possible noshing options available — so why limit yourself to what you brought?
A stack of grilled cheese sandwiches with ketchup for dipping, and a cup of baby carrots
There’s usually a limit on how many sandwiches you’re allowed to take, but cunning Scorpio knows exactly the right time to hit up that cafeteria line. It’s a skillful display of lunchroom dominance in the form of a delicious tower of bread and cheese. That doesn’t mean they aren’t friendly though. Highly empathetic Scorpio would gladly give a grilled cheese to a friend in need — but you’ll have to get your own ketchup. They might have a literal pool of it for dipping, but they’re not sharing that.
Sloppy Joes with coleslaw
Fun and open-minded, this Sagittarius meal combo needs you to know that unlike other sandwich fillings, they will not be contained! They speak their minds when and where they feel like it, which can make for some pretty sloppy situations. Saucy Sagittarius is also generous, charming, and idealistic. In fact, you almost believe them when they say they’re “saving that coleslaw” for last — even though you know they’re just going to end up giving it away to always-hungry Leo.
They’re unfussy, reliable, a true stalwart of the brought-from-home meals — and one of the few that actually get eaten instead of traded or trashed. This Capricorn lunch knows that school cafeteria offerings are usually less-than-stellar, so they're going to just save themselves the time, effort, and inevitable disappointment, and go with what they know. It might be a practical, efficient meal, but their inflexibility can make them reluctant to try literally anything else.
Turkey with mashed potatoes and corn
An uncanny valley of a Thanksgiving meal. It doesn't have the vibrant popularity of rectangle pizza, and it comes with nothing remotely tradable as far as lunchroom currency goes — but that’s what makes this Aquarius lunch stand out. They don't really care about what’s popular, so they’re often seen as standoffish — but their cool aloofness garners them a loyal lunchroom following. This is a lunch that knows exactly what it is, and is always willing to have an intellectual conversation about the benefits of trying other lunches.
Spaghetti with a side of bread with whipped butter
True to a water sign, the Pisces cafeteria spaghetti is a little soupy, a little salty, and comes with a sauce that will stain everything. Pisces spaghetti spends much of its time taking anxiety naps under the kitchen heat lamps, but they’re known for their generosity, so there’s always leftovers by the time you’ve moved onto the bread. That's where the hidden gem of this meal really shines — that whipped butter! Smooth and cool, it’s a side of this meal you almost forgot was even there, and it’s the perfect antidote to mushy spaghetti. Just don’t let the spaghetti hear you say that though, because it will get emotional, and it will get messy.